


I'll Let You Know If We Keep It

by raven_aorla



Series: anchor and kaleidoscope [5]
Category: Saturday Night Live, Weekend Update (SNL)
Genre: Adoption, Angst, Established Relationship, Family Feels, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Humor, Kid Fic, M/M, Parenthood, Recreational Drug Use, Teen Pregnancy, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-09
Updated: 2018-08-09
Packaged: 2019-06-24 13:02:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15631212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raven_aorla/pseuds/raven_aorla
Summary: Stefon remembers being a teen dad, courtesy of mutual gay panic with Jacked Beth on prom night. Now older and more stable, he's determined to get Seth onboard with adopting from a teen mom.[Can be read solo.]





	I'll Let You Know If We Keep It

**Author's Note:**

> To be on the absolute safest side: Shy is not in a domestic violence situation. He's happily kinky. 
> 
> The title is taken from Stefon's guest appearance the first time Bill Hader hosted SNL, after being asked why he and Seth are going to go look at houses the next day. "I'm pregnant! I'll let you know if we keep it!"
> 
> We know canonically that Seth and Stefon had multiple children by the 40th anniversary special, which took place less than two years afterwards.

Seth sneaks up on Stefon from behind as his husband engages in his daily fight with their overly fancy toaster, wrapping his arms around his waist and kissing behind his left ear. “Morning. How was _Screeeeee_?”

“Ummm, that’s _Screeeeeee_ with seven e’s, not six, and you have to get louder with each letter you pronounce.” Stefon twists around to kiss him like Seth’s tongue could give him immortality and perfect hair. He’s probably had less than three hours of sleep, but he likes to get up to have breakfast together before Seth leaves for work, and will then crawl back into bed. Ironically, becoming a club promoter/troubleshooter has made his lifestyle significantly healthier than when he was just another party monster, because he can’t get seriously fucked up on the job.

“How was _ScreeeeeeEEEEEEE_?”

Stefon snorts and pushes him away. “Drink your coffee, Seth Meyers. It was fine. I sorted out the turf war between the Screaming Memers and the Meme-ing Screamers…”

They chat over a sesame seed bagel with black coffee and a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios with milk and a side of imported purple butterfly pea tea, respectively. Stefon rolls clementine oranges in Seth’s direction until Seth eats one.

All of a sudden, Stefon stops in the middle of an anecdote and says, “One of the Jewpids who was at my almost-wedding was there last night. He's the dad of Menorah the Exporer, who was there too. At the almost-wedding, not the club.”

“I vaguely remember.”

Stefon fidgets with his silky floral robe sleeves. “Um. So, like, her real name is Dina, and like most kids in showbiz, she’s, like, years older than she looks? She was thirteen then and now she’s almost fifteen? And she’s gotten pregnant. She was scared to say anything earlier, and now it’s too late to do anything but go through with it.”

“Aw, that’s a rough situation. I better get going, doll.” Seth started calling Stefon that when Stefon gave him a custom-painted matroyshka of himself to sit on his Late Night desk. He’s pretty sure Stefon bribes the camera crew to keep the mini-him in shot as much as possible.

After a brief moment of hands-face, Stefon adds quietly, “Her dad knows we’ve been thinking about adoption.”

“Ste _fon_.” It’s true, they have, but Stefon can’t spring something on Seth like this first thing in the morning.

“It’s not like I promised anything! But, like, we’d get full custody. Closed adoption if we want. The agency we talked to for regular adoption doesn’t think I’d make a good dad. They haven’t said it to my face, but I know. And I’m not a great dad, it’s true, but maybe I could be, like, a good emergency mom?”

He sounds so desperately hopeful that Seth reaches to give his wrist a light squeeze. For weeks at a time, Seth will forget that Stefon already has a kid, despite having met him and both his moms. Then he’ll walk in on Stefon talking to his son on Skype, or notice Stefon’s left pamphlets on the latest, most enlightened autism therapies lying around the apartment (with Bark’s bite marks on them). Elizabeth "Jacked Beth" Jackson and Stefon are still friends, but Hammie will never truly be Stefon’s.

*****

Stefon was in his second week at UTI when Beth showed up at his dorm. They hadn’t interacted over the summer, given how awkward the aftermath of prom night had been, and Stefon had missed her. He cheerfully told her directions and invited her up. Joel was perched on his loft bed across from Stefon’s indoor tent, but he was playing video games with noise-canceling headphones on, still sluggish from something mysterious he’d smoked earlier today (Stefon had been en route to improv club auditions and turned it down). No way he’d pay attention to a tent chat.

The moment they were both in Stefon’s little sanctuary, Beth grabbed Stefon by the shirt collar. “You knocked me up, Stefon Zolesky.”

Panic attack city. “Shitshitshitshitshit. Sorry.”

She let go of him and hugged herself. She was built like a warrior goddess’ favored rugby player. He’d never seen any girl look so vulnerable. “It took me ages to notice, because I’m used to irregular periods when I’m working out a lot.”

“What do you need? I’m pretty broke, but, uh, I wanna help.” He let out a hysterical laugh. “See, the worse thing that can happen from _gay_ sex is a horrible disease. Serves us right for going against nature.”

She started laugh-crying, which set him off even more. They ended up clinging to each other and giggling like the time back in high school they were both sentenced to detention for calling the substitute teacher a fartface, except that time they weren’t shaking as well. He didn’t comment when she got snot on him.

*****

Two weeks, a lot of talking, three gratuitous but welcome sexual favors, and a persuasive finger puppet show later, Seth has agreed to join Stefon in treating Dina to brunch. Just brunch.

She looks like an actual teen when dressed in jeans and an embroidered suede leather jacket instead of a cute costume, and with her hair back in a ponytail instead of the iconic bowl cut. The baby bump helps, of course. Her questions are earnest and she’s been scribbling their answers down in a notebook.

“I’d say that we’ve both got Jewish _heritage_. Don’t want to overstate it. Is that important to you?” Seth is doing his best to nurse his mimosa rather than gulp it down.

She keeps glancing around the room like she’s afraid of being recognized. “It’s not like I’m ever gonna get the acting gig again, but it’s just nice to, like, keep, like that thread, you know? I’m not telling you what to do.”

Stefon holds up his index finger. “Well, I’m telling you what to do. Put down your notebook. Pick up your fork. Get. Folic. Acid. Into. My. Baby.”

“It’s not your baby,” Seth says, though with the same dread-exhilaration he used to feel when telling Stefon he wasn’t interested. That same flail against the inevitable.

“I’d cut it out and hand it to you right now if I could,” Dina says. “I’d like to give the morning sickness to my ex-boyfriend. He won’t even answer my texts.”

“Boys can’t be trusted,” Stefon sighs, piling leafy greens onto Dina’s plate.

*****

Stefon was pissed off that people kept treating Beth like a slut for getting pregnant on prom night, but him like a hero for participating in the process and then being a decent person about the consequences.

“I hate it too, but you need to stop cat-hissing at people in the waiting room and the community center parenting classes,” Beth told him as he microwaved her a mug cake after one visit. She was living with her sister about forty minutes away, but Stefon lived closer to the OB/GYN. She sometimes crashed on the mattress he’d salvaged from a mattress racing derby just for her. Joel had voluntarily switched to only eating or snorting his drugs, so that no secondhand smoke would hurt the baby. (Joel was afraid of needles, which was one of the few reasons he ended up surviving to his thirties at all.)

By now she was a human blimp, which is a thing that happens six months after a person with a penis gets too close to a person with a uterus and both of them are too drunk from stolen convenience store wine to put a condom on correctly. Stefon had given up ingesting everything Beth had to give up, in solidarity, and his grades had never been so good. His stepfather didn’t know what was going on and had expressed pride in him for once.

“You’d crush them between your deadly thighs if you could,” Stefon said, handing her the treat.

“At this point I feel like I could crush them with my deadly belly,” she groused.

****

Seth, at last, agrees. Stefon’s lawyer friend helps with the paperwork. He shows up with a black eye and what looks like marks from a collar around his neck, but he wears a suit made of cotton and wool rather than some variation of rubber to avoid spooking Dina and the Jewpid any further.

(“What kind of lawyer are you, Shy?”)

(“Bit of this, bit of that, gotta diversify, Seth. Dungeon culture needs one of its own to handle legal issues. You got a bag of frozen peas? My girlfriend really outdid herself.")

And then they find out it’s twins.

Seth still agrees, but only after a very long, breathless phone call with his brother. Josh is two years younger than him, yet looks so much like him that people often think _they’re_ twins. Seth has patiently informed Stefon that any more inquiries about threesomes with Josh, even jokingly, will be grounds for weeks of Not Getting Any.

“Why are you having this conversation with me and not Mom?” he asks once Seth finishes the opening monologue.

“She’ll just coo over the idea of double the grandchildren, Poshie.”

“Fair enough. Well, you’re the most competent guy I know, and it sounds like Stefon’s super into it.”

"He thinks we should get a house so the two kids and a dog have room to run around."

"And so their uncle can have a bed to sleep in when he visits."

"I'm sure that's high on his priority list."

*****

Beth pushed a baby that Stefon contributed to out of a part of her body that was totally not baby-sized, and now she was feeding it with her body fluids. Whoaaaaa. Stefon stood there, awestruck and scrub-clad, the bones in his hand still scrunched from Beth’s intense grip for much of the labor.

“You want to hold him?” she asked when it was done.

Not it, he.

Not he, Abraham, after an ancestor of Beth’s who was a circus strongman.

Hammie for short. Hammie for small.

Stefon held him, and he was wrinkled and his head was shaped weird. “Let’s give him everything.”

*****

Stefon goes back on Weekend Update as a guest, and teases everyone by saying that he’s pregnant. “It’s a metaphor! I’m outsourcing the childbirth bit, though,” he tells Seth when he gets home and Seth asks _wtf_.

When it comes time for the real thing, Dina doesn’t want a pair of men she likes but doesn’t know very well to watch her scream and cry for hours. So her parents call them from the hospital when the twins have become their own separate lifeforms, and they are taking their teenage daughter home.

After a lot of discussion up until the very last moment, Seth and Stefon name the boy David Rolo. Stefon wants to combine shout-outs to his dad David Robert Jones/Bowie and his brother David Zolesky. The girl is Autumn Brooklyn, because Seth put his foot down against Fall Innewyork.

“We’re keeping you, yes we are, yes we are,” Stefon tells them in their new cribs, in their lovely new house with a yard and a dog, as close to 2.5 kids as you can get without chopping any in half. 

*****

Beth got an amazing job offer in Arizona when Hammie was four months old. Stefon parented while she was running around making arrangements. He couldn’t complain. She never asked a cent from him, though he’d pitched in with the medical expenses when he could. If he and Beth had been dating, maybe he would have uprooted and followed, but her finding a girlfriend would be hard enough with a baby, let alone a gay babydaddy who'd outstayed his welcome.

But when she came to get Hammie, it was like the baby turned into the heaviest weight imaginable. He could hardly stand to hold him up, let alone hand him over. All he could do was brace him against his body.

“Daddy’s gonna visit you when he’s got money,” he said when Hammie started to cry. Anyone would cry if they weighed six thousand pounds.

“You’re holding him too tight, dude, stop, stop, stop, you’re gonna bruise - I’m really sorry, Stefon. I do want you in his life. We’ll make it work. Stop it. You’re holding him too tight.” The baby was heavier and heavier, but Beth had always been stronger than him. She kissed Stefon on the cheek. Hammie stopped crying when in her arms.

Joel gave him a six-pack as consolation that night. Stefon didn’t remember drinking it, just waking up with a South Korean exchange student in the morning and being unable to find his underwear before sprinting to an exam. He nearly flunked that semester.

Though with the benefit of a fake ID and an intense desire for distraction, he did get to know some of the city’s hottest new clubs...

*****

_Hush, little baby, don’t say a word_

_Stefon’s gonna buy you a mockingbird_

_And if you can’t buy mockingbirds ‘cause they’re endangered_

_Stefon’s gonna explain this to a nice park ranger_

_And if that park ranger is no fun_

_Stefon’s gonna build you a laser gun_

_And if that laser gun don’t work_

_Stefon’s gonna teach you how to twerk_

_And if twerking stops being cool_

_Stefon’s gonna build you a swimming pool_

_And if a swimming pool won’t fit in New York real estate_

_Stefon’s gonna buy you some golden plates_

_And if those golden plates affect the taste of cuisine_

_Stefon’s gonna send those plates to Cash for Gold because that makes sense….eeen._

The singing stops. Stefon has fallen asleep cradling Tum Tum (as she became within hours) and her bottle. Seth carefully scoops her up and puts her in her crib. Viddy's dead to the world and drooling over his tie-dye blanket. Then he needs to retrieve his husband.

“C’mon, daddy, it’s your turn.”

While incoherent, Stefon manages guided exhausted limping rather than being a dead weight. “Not daddy. Mommy now.”

“Whichever. Bed now.” Seth makes sure he’s properly tucked into his side of the bed before climbing into the other side, and holds him close for good measure.


End file.
